Saturday, June 11, 2011

Veterinarians and Swine

A Coyote's View of the Growers' Market,
30 x 40 inches, Acrylic on Canvas, $2028.00
Several years ago our horse doc told us you could get a free ride to vet school if you agreed to serve a Midwest swine farming community for five years.  Sort of "Northern Exposure" meets "All Creatures Great and Small."  Seems most veterinarian students these days want to go into small animal or equine medicine.

Some friends of ours just had kids. the four legged kind, cloven hooves and cud chewing.  Small ruminates in veterinarian parlance.  Can't get a vet out to see them and check on them; risking a future source of homemade goat cheese.

Most small farms don't have hogs anymore.  When I was a child, a sow and some piglets were as common as chickens and fresh farm eggs.  My uncle once raised the FFA grand champion hog in Texas.   My house covenants prohibit pigs, I can have anything else, my neighbor has a camel, but not pigs!   If that wasn't the case I think I would have a hog to fatten.  Of course my kids would name it and not want me to butcher it and then they'd miss the experience of slinging chitlins.

Gone are the days when restaurants used to sort their wet garbage for the local hog farmers.  Hog slop.  We feed our chickens our vegetable scraps, they love it.  Chicken slop.

When I was about eight, we were out at Bill Sheppard's place near Llano.  His sow had just had a litter of pigs.  I picked up one of the piglets.  It squealed and here comes mama around the corner, teeth flared out ready to bite my chubby little ass.  I dropped that piglet and ran to the fence, jumping up just in time to miss being swine behind.

Speaking of camels, our horse doc fixed that camel next door.  I am curious, what question would you ask a vet who just castrated a camel?  I await your answers.

The Old Church at Dawn
30 inch by 24 inch
Acrylic on Canvas, $1,216.00

The Old Church at Dusk
30 inch by 24 inch
Acrylic on Canvas, $1,216.00
Above is my newest painting.  It is from a series I have been doing, "Places of Corrales."  Here are two more from that series.  Don't forget to go to Hiram Ditty and see more of my work.  Feel free to buy one too.

Speaking of balls, my wife used to work with a real "caballo culo" who liked to toss his testes on the table.  I bought her the biggest pair of pink truck balls I could find so she could show him she had balls too.  They now proudly hang in my bar b q shack.  The truck balls that is...  she keeps his in her purse as a souvenir.

So the moral of this story is...  don't throw your balls on the table with my wife, you just might lose them, if you want to be a veterinarian consider Iowa, after all it's only five years and you'll have no student loans to pay back, don't pick up piglets when mama sow is around and we need more goat vets.  God Bless.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Ben Franklin's Letter to Madame Brillon

 My father turned me on to the writings of Ben Franklin.  We have all, at one time or another, paid too much for our whistles.  Today's world makes it difficult to teach children the true value of their whistles.  I wonder if we as a country we have paid too much for our whistles.

To Madame Brillon


I received my dear friend’s two letters, one for Wednesday and one for Saturday. This is again Wednesday. I do not deserve one for to-day, because I have not answered the former. But, indolent as I am, and averse to writing, the fear of having no more of your pleasing epistles, if I do not contribute to the correspondence, obliges me to take up my pen; and as Mr. B. has kindly sent me word that he sets out to-morrow to see you, instead of spending this Wednesday evening, as I have done its namesakes, in your delightful company, I sit down to spend it in thinking of you, in writing to you, and in reading over and over again your letters.

I am charmed with your description of Paradise, and with your plan of living there; and I approve much of your conclusion, that, in the meantime, we should draw all the good we can from this world. In my opinion we might all draw more good from it than we do, and suffer less evil, if we would take care not to give too much for whistles. For to me it seems that most of the unhappy people we meet with are become so by neglect of that caution.

You ask what I mean? You love stories, and will excuse my telling one of myself.

When I was a child of seven years old, my friends, on a holiday, filled my pocket with coppers. I went directly to a shop where they sold toys for children; and being charmed with the sound of a whistle, that I met by the way in the hands of another boy, I voluntarily offered and gave all my money for one. I then came home, and went whistling all over the house, much pleased with my whistle, but disturbing all the family. My brothers, and sisters, and cousins, understanding the bargain I had made, told me I had given four times as much for it as it was worth; put me in mind what good things I might have bought with the rest of the money; and laughed at me so much for my folly, that I cried with vexation; and the reflection gave me more chagrin than the whistle gave me pleasure.

This, however, was afterwards of use to me, the impression continuing on my mind; so that often, when I was tempted to buy some unnecessary thing, I said to myself, Don’t give too much for the whistle; and I saved my money.

As I grew up, came into the world, and observed the actions of men, I thought I met with many, very many, who gave too much for the whistle.

When I saw one too ambitious of court favor, sacrificing his time in attendance on levees, his repose, his liberty, his virtue, and perhaps his friends, to attain it, I have said to myself, this man gives too much for his whistle.

When I saw another fond of popularity, constantly employing himself in political bustles, neglecting his own affairs, and ruining them by that neglect, "He pays, indeed," said I, "too much for his whistle."

If I knew a miser, who gave up every kind of comfortable living, all the pleasure of doing good to others, all the esteem of his fellow-citizens, and the joys of benevolent friendship, for the sake of accumulating wealth, "Poor man," said I, "you pay too much for your whistle."

When I met with a man of pleasure, sacrificing every laudable improvement of the mind, or of his fortune, to mere corporeal sensations, and ruining his health in their pursuit, "Mistaken man," said I, "you are providing pain for yourself, instead of pleasure; you give too much for your whistle."

If I see one fond of appearance, or fine clothes, fine houses, fine furniture, fine equipages, all above his fortune, for which he contracts debts, and ends his career in a prison, "Alas!" say I, "he has paid dear, very dear, for his whistle."

When I see a beautiful sweet-tempered girl married to an ill-natured brute of a husband, "What a pity," say I, "that she should pay so much for a whistle!"

In short, I conceive that great part of the miseries of mankind are brought upon them by the false estimates they have made of the value of things, and by their giving too much for their whistles.

Yet I ought to have charity for these unhappy people, when I consider that, with all this wisdom of which I am boasting, there are certain things in the world so tempting, for example, the apples of King John, which happily are not to be bought; for if they were put to sale by auction, I might very easily be led to ruin myself in the purchase, and find that I had once more given too much for the whistle.

Adieu, my dear friend, and believe me ever yours very sincerely and with unalterable affection.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Yankees vs. Texans or the war between the condiments.

My wife (she hates it when I start sentences with "My wife.") is a Yankee.  My wife was born in Connecticut.  I was born in Wichita Falls.  This has made for some interesting differences.

First, my wife grew up with lobster, clams and cod.  Seafood.  The only "seafood" I saw growing up was catfish, canned salmon and canned tuna.  This all lead to the excessive use of tartar sauce.  However, tartar sauce is French:


"Tartar sauce, or as the French refer to it, sauce tartare, consists of mayonnaise, mustard, chives, chopped gherkins, and tarragon, according to C. Owen's "Choice Cooking," circa 1889.  In French, it is loosely translated as 'rough,' as the Tartars were considered rough, violent, and savage.   It is commonly served with fish. Yum yum."

Now my recipe is mayonnaise, mustard, dill pickle relish, lemon juice, capers, minced onion, minced pickled jalapenos.  This is great on just about anything!  My wife is of French ancestry, now that she knows tartar sauce is a French concoction, she should look on it more favorably.  Not!

Second, no one ever feed my wife fried okra growing up.  My grandmother would dredge just about any vegetable in cornmeal and fry it in bacon fat:  squash, okra, eggplant, green tomatoes, then add some animal teste, lots of ketchup and you got a real meal.  When I met my wife 8 years ago, she'd never eaten fried okra.  So if fixed some and she didn't like it.  Now if I didn't love her, that could have been a deal breaker.  Of course the first time she eat lamb fries, she oooo'd over them until I told her what they were.  (she'll deny she liked um, but I saw the look on her face, she loved um.)

Third, my wife fails to grasp the virtue of condiments.  Granted in the south, ofttimes, food was not as tasty as some Yankees had it.  After all, Sherman burned so much of the south there was little left so condiments came into favor.  My wife doesn't accept the fact that a spoon is an acceptable utensil for the dispensing of condiments, and that almost any food can benefit from the addition of a condiment.

What is a condiment?  well, Mayonnaise, Miracle Whip, mustard-yellow, Dijon, Cajun, hot, course, ketchup, bar b q sauce, ranch dressing, soy sauce, Heinz 57, AI steak sauce, Tabasco and all its variations and brands, (I keep10 or so on hand at all times.), horseradish, wing sauces, Marie's Blue Cheese Dressing, malt vinegar, shrimp cocktail sauce, sport peppers in vinegar, Worcester sauce.  If I forgot your favorite, let me know.   I have found that the leading national brands make the best condiments.  House mayo or ketchup are especially bad.

I am particularly fond of Bar B Q sauce, especially my own, "Hiram Ditty's."  It is a variation of one my dad got from Joe Doughty.  Joe was an army buddy of dad's from China.  Joe was a real Kentucky hillbilly preacher.  When dad was back in the service during Korea, he stopped by Joe's for a visit.  Dad was in his mid twenties.  Joe and his wife fixed dad up on a blind date.  She was 15.  Gotta love them hill folk.  Once on a family visit when I was in grade school, Joe served up raccoon for dinner.  Now there's a meat that'll make you appreciate condiments.  It was once said you could eat a horse turd with enough ketchup.  I have a relative who wouldn't let his kid eat mashed potatoes with ketchup, but he liked it on cottage cheese.  Talk about inconsistencies.

Over the years, I have experimented with condiment variations.  Cumin ketchup is one of them.  It is great with sweet potato fries.  Dust the fries with good New Mexico red chili powder.  Mix ketchup, ground cumin and balsamic vinegar for a tasty compliment to the sweet and hot of the fries.  If you want some of my favorite condiment recipes, let me know.

We are back in the studio and working on a series, "Places of Corrales" to go with my "Faces..." series.  Hope to have a show later this year.

By the way, I have 20 Ukrainian hits this week.  Either fans or identity thieves.