This Old Fart

Fart

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This article is about the word fart itself. For information on the bodily function of passing
intestinal gas (flatus) via the anus, see Flatulence.

Fart is an English language vulgarism most commonly used in reference to flatulence. The word "fart"

is generally considered unsuitable in a formal environment by modern English speakers, and it may

be considered vulgar or offensive in some situations. Fart can be used as a noun or a verb.^[1]

The immediate roots are in the Middle English words ferten, feortan or farten; which is akin to the

Old High German word ferzan. Cognates are found in old Norse, Slavic and also Greek and Sanskrit.

The word "fart" has been incorporated into the colloquial and technical speech of a number of

occupations, including computing.  Fart is sometimes used as a non-specific derogatory epithet,

often to refer to 'an irritating or foolish person', and potentially an elderly person, described as

an 'old fart'. This may be taken as an insult when used in the second or third person,

but can potentially be a term of endearment, or an example of self deprecatory humour when used

in the first person.^[2] 

While on a recent trip to Oklahoma, my wife was reading an article and commented to me, "It says here,
the average person passes gas fourteen times a day."  Well, for an overgrown child such as me, that was
a challenge to good to pass up.  I have to admit I only got to ten that day.  And with each count my
wife became more irritated with me.  But if one reflects, imagine six billion people all farting fourteen
times a day.  Global warming might be man caused after all.


When I was in grade school, we had one of the best school cafeterias.  Everything was home made.
They even made their own hamburger buns.  I loved their pinto beans and corn bread.
I'd top it off with vinegar and sport peppers.  Then we'd sing, "Beans, beans, the magical fruit, 
the more you eat the more you toot."


My dad used to tell me that if you added baking soda to your
beans, it'd neutralize the gas.  This was an old army trick. 
Dad cooked on a troop ship during WWII.  You see, when
cooking beans for 4000 troops on a ship to China, each
of them farting.  You didn't want that much flatulence.  
Image 4000 men in tight quarters all farting fourteen times
a day.  Could have changed the course of the war.  
Just the other day, our Marines in Afghanistan
were told not to fart in the presence of Afghan troops,
as Mohammad didn't approve of flatulence. 
It is time we pulled out of Afghanistan and tell Hamid Karzai to pull our collective finger.


Once in the sixth grade, our Sunday School class took a trip to Silver Dollar City in Branson, Missouri.
There were about eight of us boys.  We all piled into Homer
Vaughn's van for the four hour trip.  Along the way, we started
farting, with each of us trying to out fart the next.
It got to the point that Homer pulled over to the side of the
road, angerly turned around and sternly
said, "If you boys need to go, tell me and we'll stop, 
otherwise, stop drying it up and blowing it away."
I guess he was like Mohammad, and didn't approve of
flatulence either.


The first time I farted in bed with my wife, she heard the faint rumble under the sheets.  She asked
what was that, unable to imagine a man would fart in bed.  I told her it was "barking spiders."  
She bought it for a moment, wondering what a barking spider was, having never heard that 
expression before but then the pungent aroma wafted across her dainty nostrils.  "Oh geez, I can't
believe you farted in bed."


Don't forget to see my art at Hiram Ditty.  It makes a great Christmas present.  We will negotiate price.